Filed to story: Love on the Sidelines (Natalie & Karl)
“How are you?” he asked quietly.
I shrugged and looked down at the ground. I couldn’t tell him I was fine when I wasn’t.
“Your Mama is hurting, too, Natalie. Maybe she was wrong to lie to you, but she did it because she loves you.” He reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a slip of paper, and handed it to me. The only thing on it was a phone number. “I know you aren’t ready to talk to Ellie yet, but you need to talk to someone. Someone who can tell you the truth.
Call him, Natalie.”
I stared at the number. I didn’t have to ask who it belonged to. “Does Mama know you’re giving me this?”
“We talked it over. She’s willing to try anything that might help.” 59
“I’ll think about it.” I stuck the paper in my pocket.
I stayed at Jenna’s for over a week, trying to pull myself together. Karl came by almost every evening, never coming in the house, and staying only a few minutes before he’d leave again. But I suppose it was enough for Jenna to put two and two together.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” she asked me. “Don’t deny it. I can see it on your face every time you look at him.”
I was too tired to argue. “And you don’t approve, right?” We knew each other almost too well.
“It’s not that, exactly.” She hesitated. “Natalie, it scares me. Karl isn’t like us. He’s not like any of the other boys we know. I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“Karl would never do anything to hurt me.”
She dropped the subject, but I knew she hadn’t forgotten it. Jenna could be almost as bad as my family when it came to worrying about me.
Karl wasn’t the only one who came by to check on me. Hugh began coming over, too. He didn’t know what was wrong, only that something traumatic had happened to me, and neither Jenna nor I enlightened him as to what. Jenna took over the duty of entertaining him when it became obvious I couldn’t, and they would talk and laugh while I sat silently, lost in my own thoughts.
Things couldn’t go on the way they had been, and I finally called the number the Judge had given me. He was right. I needed to know the truth and I wasn’t sure anymore that I’d get it from Mama. My hands were shaky when I lifted the phone, and I had no idea what I was going to say.
He answered on the first ring, almost as though he’d been waiting for my call.
“This is Natalie,” I said, my grip on the receiver so tight I was surprised it didn’t crack.
“I’m glad you called. We need to talk, Natalie. Can I come over?” I shook my head, then realized he couldn’t see me. “Maybe I could meet you somewhere?”
“Anywhere you want.”
“The city park.” It was the first place that popped into my mind, and at least I knew we wouldn’t be interrupted this time of day.
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
“Okay.” I returned the phone to the cradle.
Jenna had been listening and her eyes reflected her concern. “Do you want me to go with you?”
“No. I think this is something I have to do on my own.” She nodded. “You know I’m here if you need me.” I was waiting on a picnic table twenty minutes later when my father’s black car pulled to a stop beside the Chevy. He was dressed more casually this time, as though he 60 hadn’t wanted to take time to change, and he looked as nervous as I felt. Gingerly, he sat down beside me.
“Hi.”
I returned the greeting.
“You know, I’ve wanted to meet you for so long and been so afraid you’d hate me, that now I don’t know what to say.”
“Did you love my mother?” I hadn’t intended to be so blunt, but the words slipped out on their own.
“Yes, I did.”
“Then why didn’t you marry her?”
He took a deep breath and rubbed his forehead. “I should have. I was going to, but-” He shook his head and started again. “Natalie, none of this is your mother’s fault.
We weren’t much older than you are now when we met, and I was engaged to another woman. But the first time I saw Ellie I knew I’d made a mistake. It was love at first sight, and she felt the same way about me, but my fiancée was a very special person and neither of us wanted to hurt her. We started meeting in private. It was wrong and stupid, and we tried to stop. Every time we’d sneak off to be alone, we’d tell each other it couldn’t happen again. But we waited too long. When she told me she was pregnant, I didn’t know how to handle it. I told her we’d get married, but we were both afraid, Natalie. Afraid of what everyone would say, afraid of how your family would react, and most of all, ashamed of what we’d done to…my fiancée.” I think I knew before I asked. It was the only logical explanation given what he’d told me and the snippets of information I’d gathered growing up. “Who was she, this fiancée of yours?”
He propped his elbows on his knees and looked down. “Your Aunt Jane.” I nodded. “So you what? Just took off and left Mama to straighten the mess out alone?”
“Pretty much. I know, I was a son of a bitch. I’m not trying to make excuses. It was too much for me and I panicked and ran. You don’t know how many times since then I’ve regretted it. A few years later I called your mother, but by then she’d made up the story of our fake marriage and divorce, and she wouldn’t talk to me. Not that I blame her. After what I’d done, I didn’t deserve her forgiveness. But I did deserve the chance to get to know my daughter, Natalie. In spite of everything, I loved you. I still do. All I’m asking is that you try not to hate me, that you’ll give me-us-the time to work this out together.”
“I don’t know what to call you,” I whispered.