Filed to story: Love on the Sidelines (Natalie & Karl)
“I thought I did, but I’m beginning to realize I don’t even know half of it.”
“Please, Cody. Stay out of it. This is my problem, not yours.” His jaw tightened, and I could almost see the sheriff emerge. “Just tell me one thing.
Did Karl really kill his father in self-defense?”
“Yes. Frank abused him his whole life. There were plenty of witnesses that can testify to that much. I’ve never doubted that Frank went after him that night.”
“Okay. I’ll drop it. For now, anyway.” He pulled up in front of the barn and stopped. “But if you need me for anything, anything at all, call me.” I leaned across the seat and kissed his cheek. “Thanks. I will.” Standing in front of the barn, I watched him leave, waving when he reached the end of the drive. After the day I’d gone through, my insides were coiled like a spring wound too tight. I needed to relax, and I needed something to take my mind off everything that had happened.
What I didn’t need was to find Karl waiting in my room. He was sitting in the easy chair, ankle crossed over his knee, a book open on his lap. A bag sat on the table, and the odor of barbequed ribs drifting from it made my stomach growl in anticipation.
He looked up when I opened the door, one corner of his lips curving into a smile.
“Before you start yelling for the cops, I think I should point out that it’s not illegal to talk to someone.”
“How about trespassing?” I slammed the door behind me. My voice may have been sarcastic, but I didn’t have the energy to fight right now. All I wanted was some peace and quiet, a chance to settle my rattled nerves.
“That would work if the barn actually belonged to you. But since it doesn’t, your family would have to press charges, and they aren’t here.” He closed the book and stood. “Even if they were, it wouldn’t matter to me. Besides, if I know you, you haven’t had a bite to eat all day.”
He was right. I didn’t have a legal leg to stand on. And as I watched him take the containers out of the bag, my resistance faded. There was coleslaw, fries, and baked beans to go with the ribs, along with warm, buttered Texas-style toast.
“You aren’t fighting fair,” I grumbled, moving closer to the table. He had even supplied the paper plates, napkins and sodas.
“I don’t plan on fighting, period. You’re doing enough of that for both of us.” He filled a plate to overflowing and put it in front of me. “Sit.” Lowering myself to the chair, I took a bite and closed my eyes in bliss. “Still trying to take care of me, Karl?”
“I don’t see anyone else doing the job. Why shouldn’t it be me?” My eyes snapped open, and I searched for the anger that should have been there, but wasn’t. “I’m a big girl now. I don’t need anyone to take care of me.”
“There’s a part of everyone that needs to be taken care of. Denying it exists doesn’t change the truth, it only makes you very lonely.” Curiosity, always my downfall, overtook my common sense. “Even you?” His smile was wry. “Especially me. I was so busy taking care of everyone else that it took me a while to realize what that big hole inside me was. No matter what I did or how many people I surrounded myself with, I still felt alone.”
“Uh-huh.” I didn’t look at him. “And I’m sure there were plenty of women eager to help you out with that problem, even if Lindsey couldn’t.”
“Lindsey didn’t live with me. And if that’s your roundabout way of asking me if I dated, the answer is yes, occasionally.” He stirred his coleslaw idly with a fork, thinking. “It was a waste of time and effort. Not that they weren’t nice women, but they didn’t have what I wanted, what I needed.”
I took a sip of my soda, but it couldn’t erase the sting of jealousy from my throat.
“Do you even know what you want? I seem to remember you had a little problem in that area once before.”
He put his fork down and leaned back in the chair, his gaze holding mine. “Oh, I always knew what I wanted. I just didn’t think I’d ever get it, didn’t think I deserved to get it. I was the son of the town drunk, the guy who was raised in a junkyard. I was terrified the filth would rub off on the best thing that ever happened to me. And because of my own insecurity, I ended up hurting both of us. If I had it to do over again, I’d change a lot of things. But I don’t, and you have every reason to hate me for leaving you. The only thing I can do is ask you to forgive me.”
“Sorry, Karl. Too little, too late.” With a calm I was far from feeling, I continued eating, forcing down food that had turned to sawdust. But suddenly there was a flurry of doubt in my mind. Was I wrong? Was it possible that Karl really had loved me?
The thought was more than I could bear. Because if it were true, then everything I’d forced myself to believe was a lie. And if I couldn’t blame Katie’s death on him, I would have to take on the responsibility, myself. Desperately, I slammed the door on that thought. It wasn’t true. Hadn’t I compiled the evidence against him, bit by bit?
“What the hell happened to you?” he murmured. “Why are you trying so damn hard to convince me that the Natalie I knew doesn’t exist anymore?”
“It’s simply a fact. I’m not trying to convince you of anything.” My voice was still calm, but my hands were shaking.
“Yes, you are. You have to work too hard at repairing these walls you’ve built for it to be real. I saw you with Daniel, remember. My Natalie is still in there, and I will find a way to get her out.”
“Don’t bother.” I pushed the food away and stood to clean off the table. I had to keep busy, keep myself from looking at him. “She died a long time ago and she’s never coming back. That’s the way I want it. She was a naïve child who thought love could solve anything, who believed in happily-ever-after endings, and that justice and honor always win out. She believed in the integrity of others and never questioned their motives. She didn’t stand a chance and she’s better off dead.” Karl’s face went pale as I talked. “Christ, Natalie. I knew I’d hurt you, but I didn’t realize it would be this bad. I’ve got a lot to answer for, don’t I?”
“More than you’ll ever know.” I tried to keep my smile chilly, but an image of Katie flashed through my mind and destroyed my equilibrium. The pain was worse than it had been in a long time, and I swayed. I had to be right about him. Dear God, I didn’t know how I would go on living if I weren’t.
He stood, caught my shoulders in his hands, and forced me to look at him. “I have to try, damn it. I’ve never stopped loving you. I won’t give up that easily.”
“Love?” The laugh that bubbled out of me verged on panic. “Once I would have given my life to hear you say that. But you don’t even know the meaning of the word.
People who love you don’t tell you to get on with your life without them. People who love you don’t sleep with someone else when they should be with you. People who love you don’t leave you alone to have-” I stopped abruptly, horrified at how close I’d come to telling him about Katie after all the promises I’d made to myself.
He was staring down at me intently, his expression grim. “Leave you alone to what? Come on, Sweetheart. Scream at me, curse me, whatever it takes. You have to get it all out.”
All my energy drained away and I closed my eyes, leaned my forehead against his chest. “I can’t do this.”
His arms closed around me, his lips moved over my hair. “It’s okay,” he whispered.
“I understand. We’ve got lots of time to work it all out.” I didn’t resist when his mouth traveled down my cheek, settled on mine. There was no passion in the kiss. It was sweet and gentle, and I could feel the ends of the frayed bonds that had once stretched between us begin a slow mending. It was a kiss that offered healing, if I could only give in to it. And for a second, I did. For that one brief second, I let go and returned the pressure, let myself pretend that nothing had changed.
But it had taken me fifteen long years to reach the point where I now stood. No kiss, not even one of Karl’s, could change what I’d become. I wasn’t a sleeping princess and he wasn’t my prince. We were two ordinary people who had been shaped by the life we’d led.