Filed to story: Shhh Professor! Please Don’t Tell! Novel Free
I felt embarrassed. No, ashamed. I looked like I was after him. I was dolled up, significantly more than I had been on Monday, or yesterday. People would notice that. People would talk about that. I didn’t want people other than my friends suspecting that I had added a business minor just to get close to Professor Steele.
And then he’d winked at me. Stared at me, and then winked at me. If we’d been alone in a room together, it would have thrilled me. I knew he’d meant it to be kind an acknowledgement that I was there and had taken his advice and come back. It was a continuation of what had been a perfectly above-board conversation between us.
But it looked like we had hooked up. Or I was trying to.
I couldn’t focus at all for the first fifteen minutes of the lecture. I felt hot, like the temperature in my brain had increased, and my mind was sweating too hard to get any work done.
On the second day, not even part-way through the semester, he winked at me in class. There would be gossip about it, I knew there would be. There was already so much gossip about him, it was inevitable.
This was not how I wanted to start my first week of college.
Gradually, the melodious sound of his voice and the energetic focus with which he taught the class lulled me back into a calm. I began to listen and take notes actively. I realized that I had missed an important piece of information. I would have to ask him for it after class. I wanted to ask him for it.
I wanted to tell him not to wink at me again.
The lecture ended, and the sounds of chairs scraping against tile filled the air as students stood up and began to exit the room. I pretended to be finishing notes. I didn’t want everyone to see me stand up and approach Professor Steele. Enough people had probably seen me do that on Monday. I was alert to every conversation I could hear around me, especially the ones being spoken in hushed voices. I worried they were talking about me.
When the room was half empty, I stood up. Professor Steele had just finished wiping off the whiteboard. He set down the dry eraser and turned to look at me with a sweet smile, as if he was waiting to talk to me.
I slung my backpack over my shoulder and walked down to the bottom of the room.
“Hey,” I said.
“You added a minor,” he said, beaming at me. “I’m honored you decided to stay in my class.”
I smiled weakly. “I did,” I said. “I really like you as a professor.”
He just stood there smiling for a second. My blood was racing. I could hear it pounding in my ears. I didn’t know how to say what I needed to. I was completely, helplessly distracted by how beautiful he was, and the way he was looking at me as if his bloodstream was racing too.
I’d forgotten all about asking him the question about the lecture. I just needed to tell him that I had been embarrassed by him winking at me and he needed to think about my reputation…
“If you don’t have anything going on right now,” he said. “I’d love to take you out for coffee.”
My lips parted. This was not where I expected this conversation to go.
“I..”
“Just to talk about your business minor,” he added hurriedly, sensing my shock.
But he hadn’t meant that. He’d said “take you out for” not “go get” coffee. He’d been asking me out.
“I can’t,” I said, feeling as though I was wading through a swamp of emotions. Anxiety, guilt, surprise, giddiness, desire. I wanted to get coffee with him. I didn’t want to leave this room, and not be standing near him anymore.
But I knew now that I needed to say what I’d wanted to. His offer had made it easier to bring it up.
“Please be careful how you treat me,” I said, getting the words out with difficulty but still sounding poised and articulate. “I’m just starting here. I don’t want people getting the wrong idea about me. I’m glad you’ve taken an interest in me as your student, but I don’t want anyone to misunderstand that. For example, people are probably going to gossip about how you winked at me during class. I think they’ve started to already.”
I could feel myself blushing as I said it.
Jackson’s eyebrows rose. He looked dismayed. I couldn’t tell if it was because I was rejecting him or because he’d honestly never meant to send any romantic signals in my direction, and he was embarrassed for both our sakes because I’d misunderstood.
But I knew I hadn’t. I was lying, pretending that I thought that hadn’t been his intention. I knew it had been. He probably just wanted an easy hookup with a student who looked like she was crushing on him. I wished I hadn’t dressed like this today. I had an urge to walk to the nearest bathroom and wash off all my makeup.
“Ellie, I am so sorry,” he said. “I don’t want to cause you any distress.”
I swallowed. Somehow, his apology just made me feel even worse. I didn’t want to cause him any distress either.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said, smiling politely. “Like I said, I really like you as a professor. I’m glad I’m in your class. I’ll see you on Friday.”
“Of course,” he said, smiling back. His smile was just as lifeless as mine had been. “I’ll see you on Friday.”
I watched her walk out of the room. I stared at the empty doorway for a few seconds and then let out a long exhale.
Stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
I’ve got such a good head for business. Obviously. My businesses excel. My profits roll in. My popularity is equal to the size of my success. I work hard, I work smart, and I impress people. I run a business like I’m the captain of a ship. We get where I said we were going to go, and we get there safely in a record amount of time. My crew loves me and I’m an expert at reading the shifting of the winds.
But women? With women, I’m stumbling along on land, reeling on my sea legs. I’m so giddy to be somewhere other than the sea, it goes like whiskey to my head and I stop thinking straight.
Basically, with women, I’m a drunken pirate.
A very nice drunken pirate.
I’d been married once before. She cheated on me. She claimed it was because I’d been so obsessed with her, it had seduced her completely, and then I’d married her and she didn’t feel like I loved her anymore.
She’d had a point. I do see something beautiful, like treasure glimmering under the stars, and I risk all to obtain it. I’d pursued her passionately, enjoying the challenge of winning over her frosty affections. And then we were married, and my rapid energy moved on to other tasks. But she’d been more wrong than she had been right.
I had loved her.
I’d still bought her flowers, kissed her every time I saw her, and texted her during the day. It just hadn’t been with the same amount of zeal with which I had pursued her. I had felt that our marriage was wonderful; we were safe in the structure of our mutual love. We didn’t need to talk about it anymore. Not as much. I thought it was just there, enveloping both of us. Something that we’d obtained. That we got to live in together. I’d thought about her all the time.
But thinking about her hadn’t been enough. She’d wanted me to treat her differently. She hadn’t told me so she’d just wanted me to know that’s what she wanted. I didn’t. And she found a man who treated her the way she wanted someone to.
I realized I was still staring at the door. I glanced at the clock. Three minutes had passed. I let out another long sigh and tucked my lecture notes back into my messenger bag.
I just dive into things. I trust my impulses. I race. I soar. I climb. In business, my instincts are gold. My endeavors bring me safely to shore every time.
With women, I sink every time.