Filed to story: If He Had Been With Me Book PDF Free
I sleep deeply, and I dream.
***
When I wake, it is either so quickly or so slowly that I cannot remember waking; I am just suddenly alert.
Finny is standing by the bed, his silhouette dark in the weak light. His hands are limp at his sides. I cannot see his face, but I do not doubt that he is looking at me. He says my name, and somehow I know that he is saying it for a second time.
“What?” I say. I sit up. My hair falls forward and I push it off my face and rub my eyes.
“Why did you have to leave me like that?” he says.
“I was tired,” I say. “You were reading.”
“No,” he says. There is a slight tremble in his voice. “After we turned thirteen. Why did you have to leave like that?” The question hangs in the air between us, the way it always has.
“I didn’t leave,” I finally say. My words lack conviction; even I can hear it. “We just grew apart.” Finny shakes his head.
“We did not just grow apart, Autumn,” he says.
“I didn’t mean to,” I say. “I’m sorry.”
“I already know why you did it,” he says. “I just want to know why you had to be so cruel about it.” My breath comes quicker.
“Okay, I was stupid and selfish that fall,” I say. “And I’m sorry. But everything would have gone back to normal if you hadn’t kissed me out of nowhere without even asking. Do you have any idea how much you scared me that night?”
“I scared you?”
“I wasn’t ready,” I say. I wipe at my eyes with one hand. “And I didn’t know what to think.” Finny sits down on the bed, but he doesn’t face me. I wrap my arms around my waist tightly and wait, but he doesn’t say anything. I push the covers off my lap and crawl toward him. I lean forward and try to find his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I hate myself for hurting you.”
“I’m sorry too.”
“For what?”
“I’m sorry for kissing you.”
“Don’t say that,” I say. “Don’t say you’re sorry for that.”
Finny surprises me then; he laughs out loud and shakes his head. “I never know what to do to make you happy, do I?”
“You make me happier than any other person ever has,” I say, but he still won’t look at me.
“Do I?” he says. I nod.
“Every day,” I whisper. My heart beats fast and my fingers close into trembling fists. We are both quiet for a few moments. I hear a lone bird singing outside; it must be close to dawn. I wish I could see him better. He still isn’t looking at me.
“What if I kissed you right now?” he says. I can’t answer him at first; everything inside me has gone still. I tell myself to take a breath.
“That would make me happy,” I say.
It doesn’t happen smoothly. First, Finny shifts his position so that he is facing me, and then I sit up straighter. We pause there, and I have to tell myself to raise my face for him. He reaches over slowly like he thinks any second I’ll tell him to stop, and he lays his hand on the back of my head. I feel my whole body relax with his touch, and maybe he feels it too because it happens very quickly after that. Finny pulls me toward him and our noses bump. I turn my face to the side, and he presses his mouth against mine.
It’s warm, kissing Finny, and sort of like my whole body is being stroked with a feather. He puts his hand on my hip and I want to do something with my hands too. I lay one on his shoulder, and the other on his knee. Finny’s fingers tighten in my hair.
“Ow,” I say, and I flinch away from his hand even though I don’t want to, even though I want to pretend it doesn’t hurt.
“Sorry,” he says. Our noses are still touching but he isn’t kissing me. He starts to take his hands away.
“No, don’t stop,” I say. I pull on his shoulder. “Lie down with me.” I lean back onto his pillows.
“Oh God,” Finny says, and he crawls over me.
We kiss quickly at first, as if we’re trying to make up for lost time, and then long and slow, as if we’re daring each other to see who can last longer. My hands are on his back, trying to hold him closer; his are on either side of my face, holding me still.
I don’t know how long we kiss like that; the only thing I am aware of besides him are the sounds I hear myself making from time to time; little sighs and moans like I have never made kissing anyone else.
It’s never felt like this before.
It feels so natural.
It feels so right.
Finny.
I finally understand what’s been missing for me all these years.
After a while, he draws his hand slowly, really slowly, down my shoulder and across the side of my ribs. He holds my breast, gently.
My Finny.
My eyes are wet again, and I feel one tear trail down the corner of my eye, and then another and another, and I realize that there may never be another moment more perfect than this for the rest of my life.
“Finny?” I say.
He stops kissing me slowly and then raises his head more quickly to look down at me. “Yeah?” he breathes.
“I want…” I say, and then realize that I don’t know how to say it and the words trail off.
“Do you want me to stop?” he says.
“No!” I say. The thought fills me with panic and I speak quickly. “I want the opposite of that.” There is a moment of silence. I hold my breath.
“You want me to keep going?” he says.
“Yes,” I say.
Finny blinks at me and stumbles over his next words. “I—I don’t have—” he says.
“I don’t care,” I say. And I don’t. All I care about is not losing this moment with him.
“Autumn,” he says. “No—“
“Please, Finny,” I say. I lean up and kiss his neck, right under his ear. He gasps sharply and his body shudders. “Please, Finny,” I whisper between kisses. “Please. Please. Please.”
Our mouths finally find each other again. After a moment, he pushes his hand under my T-shirt and up to my bra. I reach down and try to pull my shirt over my head without moving my lips from his until I have to. If we stop kissing, we will have to talk about what we’re doing. He helps me and kisses me as I arch my back to unhook my bra.
I reach down and try to undo the button on his jeans, but I can’t. He stops kissing me and pushes my hands away. I think I’m going to die until I realize he is undoing it himself.