Filed to story: If He Had Been With Me Book PDF Free
“Have fun, kids,” Aunt Angelina says.
He doesn’t let me go until we reach his car. He pushes the button on the automatic locks and opens the door for me. I sigh and sit down. This is only the third time I’ve ever been in the little red car; it smells of leather and of Finny. He walks around the car and slides in next to me. Without saying anything, he pulls out of the driveway and turns on the radio. He’s driving to the Train Stop, where a lot of kids from school hang out or work.
“Do I have to come in?” I say when Finny pulls into the parking lot. It’s nearly full. I recognize most of the cars.
“Why?” he says.
“I don’t want to see all the kids from school.” Finny pulls the car into a spot and turns off the engine. He turns to me in his seat.
“Do you not want to be seen with me?” he asks.
“What? No!” I say. I’m so surprised that my words come out stuttered. “I?? don’t want to have to answer any questions about Jamie.”
“Oh,” he says. “Sorry.” He gets out of the car. I watch his back as he crosses the parking lot and try to figure out why he thought I wouldn’t want to be seen with him.
Finny comes back a few minutes later carrying two cones. He taps on the window with one finger and I open the door for him. He hands both cones to me.
“Here,” he says.
“Thanks,” I say. He remembered that mint chocolate chip is my favorite. He got plain vanilla like always. I used to tease him about it. He turns out of the parking lot in the other direction from home. “Where are we going?” I ask.
“To the park,” he says. “The longer we’re gone, the better they’ll feel.”
When we get out of the car, I hand his cone to him and we walk on the path circling the lake. We eat in silence for a few minutes. I try to eat neatly so that I don’t get any green sticky on my face.
“So,” I say after a while, “what’s Sylvie doing today?”
“She left for her tour of Europe. I think she’s in London now.”
“Oh, I forgot. When’s she coming back?”
“August.”
“Wow.” Finny doesn’t say anything. I look up at him. He’s staring straight ahead. “Are you guys going to stay together in the fall?”
“I guess so,” he says.
“You haven’t talked about it?”
“No.”
We walk in silence for a while. I eat the last bit of my cone and stray off the path to throw away my napkins. We stand by the trashcan while Finny finishes his and tosses the remains in too.
“Sasha and Jamie are both going to Rochester,” I say. The path winds closer to the lake and out from under the shade of the trees.
“Huh,” Finny says.
“So I guess they’ll be staying together.”
“Maybe they’ll break up by then,” Finny says.
“Ha,” I say. “But I doubt it.”
“Well, they deserve each other,” he says.
“It’s not the healthiest way to start a relationship either,” I say. “I can’t see how this could be good for them.”
“No,” Finny says. “It won’t be.”
“And do you know what Jamie said? He said I ‘needed him too much.'” I draw quotes in the air with my fingers. Finny makes a face.
“What does that mean?”
“I dunno. But do you see what I mean? What kind of relationship is it going to be if he has that attitude?”
Finny stops and picks up a piece of gravel and pitches it at the lake. The rock skips four times, then drops into the water. I sit down in the shade and watch him search for another flat rock.
“You’re better off without them. You know that, right?” he says.
“I know,” I say. I wrap my arms around my stomach. “But I can’t help wishing things could go back to the way they used to be.” Finny glances at me and turns back to the lake. The rock jumps only once and falls. He bends down again and picks through the gravel. “Do you think that’s stupid?” I ask.
“No,” he says.
“I do,” I say. “I feel like an idiot. I should be glad it’s over. I should be relieved.”
“You should,” Finny says. He tosses the rock and it leaps across the water again and again. “But I don’t think you’re an idiot.”
“There were so many times I wanted to break up with him,” I say. “But I didn’t because I thought, ‘He loves me so much. I can’t do that to him.’ Isn’t that stupid?”
“No,” he says.
“I thought if I broke up with him, no one else would ever love me like that.”
“Well, that part is stupid,” Finny says. He turns away from the lake and sits down next to me on the grass. He rests his elbows on his knees and looks at me.
“Are you going to give me a lecture about how I’ll find love again?” I ask.
“No,” he says, “I was going to ask—” He blushes and looks back at the lake. “He didn’t sleep with you and then—“
“No,” I say. And then, “He isn’t that bad.”
Finny shrugs.
We watch the lake for a little while. The sun is starting to set and turn the water warm colors. A breeze picks up and ruffles my ponytail. I hug myself again. I wonder if Jamie and Sasha are together right now, what they are doing. If they are talking about me, pitying me. I scratch my arm.
“Do you think we’ve been gone long enough?” I ask.
“Probably.”
“I’m getting eaten by bugs.”
“Okay.” Finny stands and offers me his hand. He helps me up and I pretend to dust off my jeans so I get rid of the feeling of his hand on mine.
He rolls down the windows on the drive home. I hold my hand out the window and feel the air rushing through my fingers. I take my hair out of the ponytail and it whips around my face. I don’t feel numb anymore, and it’s not a good thing. My stomach hurts and my chest has a familiar ache. We don’t say anything until after he parks the car and shuts off the engine.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” Finny asks. I shrug. “Let me take you to breakfast and then you can spend the rest of your day lying in bed or whatever you want.”
“Okay.”