Filed to story: If He Had Been With Me Book PDF Free
“No,” he says, “you don’t need to do that.”
“Well, you’ll need to buy condoms then, and maybe, practice—“
“Autumn, I can’t even think about that right now. I’m so stressed out about finals and—and everything else. Let’s just not talk about it right now.”
“Okay,” I say. I’m proud that unlike other boys, he isn’t so focused on sex that he can’t think of other things.
“I love you,” I say as I kiss him and get out of the car.
“Me too,” he says.
All through the ceremony, I stare at Shawn O’Brian’s tangled mullet, and I think,
Someday this will be the only thing
I remember about my graduation. Adults march on stage and give speeches that are full of advice for us. I try to feel as if I have accomplished something, but all I feel is that I lived through a few years of my life; getting though high school was just what I did on the side.
“Autumn R. Davis,” a teacher says, and I’m moving forward to take the diploma. I remember I’m supposed to smile. Adults shake my hand and say congratulations, and I’m surprised that they look so sincere. A photographer takes my picture when I shake hands with Mrs. Black. I see spots for a moment, and then I am walking back to my seat, but it feels more like wandering.
Afterward, when we’ve taken off our robes and the teachers set us free to go find our families, the lobby is too crowded to move around and find them. I see Angie with Dave and her family and I hug her before the crowd pushes me away. I see Brooke and Noah in a corner, holding hands and talking quietly. I wonder if they are talking about their plan to break up in the fall—I still don’t understand.
I feel my cell phone ring in my pocket.
“Mom?” I have to nearly shout to hear myself.
“Honey, we’re over by the display case. Can you see us?” She’s shouting too. I look around and stand up on my toes.
“No.” I see Jamie, Sasha, and Alex. They see me and I wave them over. They start pushing their ways toward me.
“Where are you? We can send Finny to come find you.”
“No, I’ll find you,” I say. Jamie stops in front of me, with Sasha next to him and Alex standing behind them. “I’ll be there in a sec,” I say. I hang up.
“Hey,” Jamie says, “we’re going to go eat. Wanna come? I’ll give you a ride home.”
“I have to go eat with my family,” I say.
“Oh,” Jamie says. “Can I come over tomorrow then? We need to talk.” I feel my cheeks heat up.
“Yeah, I know,” I say. I lean forward and Jamie kisses me quickly.
“I saw Finn and your mom over there,” Sasha says.
“Thanks.” I hug her and Alex quickly and push my way in the direction she pointed.
When The Mothers see me, they begin to wave excitedly, and Finny watches them and laughs. Dad is in Japan. He called me this morning.
“Picture, picture,” my Mom says. Finny and I stand next to each other and smile. The crowd is beginning to thin, and The Mothers try to find enough space to get full-length shots of us.
“So, congratulations,” Finny says. We’re still looking straight ahead at the cameras, fake smiles in place.
“For what?” I say.
“I don’t really know,” he says. I hear him laugh next to me.
“I don’t either. Congratulations for surviving maybe?”
“Maybe. But come on, it wasn’t that bad was it?” I look up at him.
“Nah, I guess not,” I say. He smiles, and out of the corner of my eyes, I see The Mothers’ cameras flash.
That was the picture they framed.
Jamie calls me early the next morning. I’m surprised; he never usually wakes up before ten o’clock if he can help it.
“Hey,” he says, “is it too early to come over?”
“No,” I say. “I’ve been up for an hour.”
“Oh. Okay, cool.” His voice sounds strange and my stomach turns over on itself. After we hang up, I go into the bathroom to put on makeup. I remember his strange voice, and an odd, queasy excitement flutters in me.
I wait for him on the back steps. It isn’t too warm out yet, but the sun is bright and it’s drying the dew on the grass and warming the steps. I hear a car coming and I sit up straighter, but it is only Finny. He sees me sitting on the back steps.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey,” I say.
“Whattaya doing?”
“Waiting for Jamie.”
“Oh,” Finny says.
Just then, Jamie’s car pulls into the driveway. He gets out slowly and looks at Finny.
“Hey, man,” he says.
“Hey,” Finny says. He turns and goes in to the house. Jamie walks over and stands in front of me. I weakly smile at him.
“Hi,” I say.
“Hi,” he says, but he doesn’t smile. I know it for sure then, and my chest aches exactly as if he had punched me. I close my mouth and swallow.
So this is it after all, I think. How easy and obvious it seems now. How silly and trite, how terrible and real. I want to laugh at myself and him, but all that happens is that the corners of my mouth twitch once.
I scoot over and make room for him on the step.
“Why don’t you sit down?” I say.
“I thought we could take a walk,” he says.
“Here is fine,” I say. He shrugs and looks away. He doesn’t see that I already know. He sits down heavily, with six inches of space between us, and looks at his hands between his knees. I look away, and focus on Finny’s car while I wait. The queasy excitement that I felt before begins to ebb away, and I am filled with a cold dread.
“Autumn?” he says.
“Yes, Jamie,” I say.
“I can’t do this anymore.”