Filed to story: Shhh Professor! Please Don’t Tell! Novel Free
Did he know it was me?
“They are,” he said, smiling that same rehearsed smile again, as if agreeing with me. “Probably nothing to worry about. I just wanted to be sure. Like I said, it’s important that nothing untoward happens on the trip.”
“Makes sense. Was that all you needed to check with me about?”
“It was. Thank you, Ellie.”
I stood up, getting ready to leave. Wanting to leave. I was starting to be worried I might start tearing up at any moment.
“Thank you for coming to talk with me so promptly,” he said.
Now I’d wished I hadn’t. My promptness gave away my anxiety, which hinted at my guilt.
“Of course,” I said, starting for the door. I paused in the doorway. “Why did you ask me, Professor?” I asked, turning around and looking back at him.
“Because you’re the only business student going on the Egypt trip,” he said, smiling.
“Oh,” I said, smiling back with a smile as rehearsed as his. “Of course.”
I tried to swallow back my disappointment along with a cup of peppermint tea back in my dorm room. It didn’t work very well. Every once in a while, I wiped away a stray tear. They had speckled the edge of my desk like an unconventional Christmas decoration.
“Don’t be so sad about it, Ellie,” I told myself. “You already knew all this. You’ve known it all semester. You can’t be with him.”
But somehow “knowing” it and knowing it were two different things. Before, part of my mind could fantasize that it might work out. That maybe I was overreacting, and no one would care. Or know.
Now I knew. The answer was no.
“You still get to see him,” I reminded myself. “He’s still going on the Egypt trip with you. You can still enjoy being near him.”
I took another sip of my peppermint tea. It was warm on my tongue. Something I could touch.
“Being near him won’t be the same as getting to be with him,” I thought.
Had I even been considering it anyway? It seemed like my heart had rushed to the idea without my mind’s permission. My mind would have tried to talk me out of it. I didn’t consider the whole thing to be appropriate either.
But Jackson.
Professor Steele.
No, Jackson. Jackson was worth it. He would have been worth it.
“But I can’t risk getting him in trouble,” I thought. “It’s not worth that. Being with me isn’t worth that.”
I drank the last of my tea and let out a long sigh.
“Friends,” I said. “He and I can just be good friends.”
I smiled, and started to dig into my homework, doing my best to clear my mind of cobwebs.
Christmas break came and went in a flurry of snow and a refreshing trip home. Flynn felt far-away. Jackson didn’t. I kept dreaming about him. I even found myself imagining how he might get along with my family: my cheerful academic father, my warm veterinary technician mother, and my angsty but affectionate teenager brother, Ben. I imagined him sitting down to talk with my dad over cups of coffee, helping my mother with dinner in the kitchen and playing chess with Ben and pretending to lose.
My family knew something was up with me. They caught me smiling, gazing out into the middle distance at nothing sometimes. Ben kept asking me if I had a boyfriend. One night I heard my parents talking in the kitchen, worried that I was gay and afraid to tell them. Not that they were worried I was gay just that I’d be afraid to tell them. The next day they sat me down to tell me that they loved me and supported me no matter who I wanted to be with. Nothing would change that.
I smiled and thanked them. I wondered if that would still be true if they knew who I really had feelings for.
And then Christmas was over, and I was counting the days until I could get back to Flynn and depart for the trip to Egypt. I mean it, I was counting the days. Red “X”s on my calendar and everything.
I packed my suitcase while still at home. Mom helped me pack, picking out jewelry and dresses and light-weight pants. It’s respectful of the culture in Egypt not to dress too immodestly, and the only pair of shorts I would bring was to wear over my swimsuit, along with a tank top.
“But it’s such a pretty swimsuit,” my mom said. “Pink! I remember picking this out with you.”
“You told me not to buy it,” I laughed. “You said it was too revealing.”
“Yes, well,” she said. “You were still in high school then. And I wasn’t used to how big your breasts are, then.”
“
Mom
!”
“Sorry,” she laughed. “I mean it. You didn’t inherit those from me. All I could think about was lecherous high school boys looking at my baby girl and thinking things they shouldn’t.”
“But lecherous college boys are fine?” I teased.
Or not-lecherous college professors?
She tucked my hair behind my ear. “I don’t want anyone thinking things about you that they shouldn’t,” she said. “But you’re not a little girl anymore. I don’t worry about you the way I used to. You’re smart and capable. You can make your own decisions about what you do.”
I swallowed. I wanted to tell her about Jackson. The words rose in me and burned on my tongue. They nearly escaped.
“I am beyond excited.”
Annie was sitting next to me in the airport lobby, literally bouncing up and down in her seat. She was wearing earrings shaped like the Sphinx and a black t-shirt with the words “Fuck Hitler” printed on it in white.
I grinned at her. I was also beyond excited. My entire body felt like it was filled with rising soap bubbles.
Jackson was standing nearby, talking to one of the other professors. There were eleven students and four faculty members going on the trip. Two women, a history professor and an art professor, and Professor Spaulding. And Jackson.
I noticed him steal a glance at me. I smiled quickly but then looked away. Finding a balance between warmth and not leading him on was going to be difficult.