Filed to story: If He Had Been With Me Book PDF Free
“At first,” she says, still looking at it, “I thought I would be the sort of parent who turned their child’s room into a museum, leaving every object exactly as he left it, right down to the jeans on the floor, you know?”
I don’t know. It never occurred to me that there were enough parents out there with dead kids for there to be different types of them. It seems like a whole secret world of people I never considered. Before I can think on it much, Angelina continues.
“But I saw someone at a stoplight asking for change the other day, and he was wearing pants that were too short, and I thought,
He needs pants like Finny’s, and I knew what he would have wanted me to do. It’s his stuff, so if that’s what Finny would have wanted, it’s what I should do.” She looks up at me, and I nod.
“I could drop off stuff or…” I trail off as Angelina frowns.
“Autumn isn’t ready to let go of a lot of things in Finny’s room yet. When I told her about wanting to donate Finn’s clothes… Well, she knows that I’m donating them by Christmas, and she’s keeping the jeans that were on his floor.” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry. The point of this was to say that I’ll keep the first aid kit in my car, but do you need a pair of jumper cables?”
“Yeah, actually.” Finn had mentioned once or twice that I should have some and a first aid kit, but he’d have settled for jumper cables at least.
“I’d like to think of you using them,” Angelina says. “Not that I wish you car trouble, but like the CDs and his clothes, I want his things out there in the world, being used.”
“Yeah, I get that,” I say. “I hope Autumn lets you do want you want with his stuff.”
Another shadow crosses her face.
“Autumn is having a hard time accepting the reality of the situation,” she says. “It’s not that she wouldn’t let me. It’s that…” Her voice trails off again, like she’s watching a scene play out in her mind. Angelina bites her lip and shakes her head. “I’m sorry, Jack. Autumn will be fine in time. I think I worry even more about her now because I can’t worry about him, you know?” For the first time since she opened the door, tears come to her eyes.
“She’s coming to Springfield, right?”
Angelina shakes her head. “Maybe next year. Autumn needs more time,” she repeats.
“Oh,” I say.
“I’m so excited for you, Jack.” Angelina’s trying to change the tone of our conversation. “College will be good for you. It’s a whole new world.”
“Yeah.” I try to match her upbeat tone.
“And next year, you’ll be able to show Autumn the ropes, hmm?” She tries to smile.
“Of course,” I say. “Um, tell her I said hi?”
“I will.” Angelina reaches out like she’s going to stroke my hair, then she rests her hand on my shoulder. “Thank you for being such a good friend to us all.”
Perhaps I’m not as good as she thinks, because I don’t tell her about the plastic bag under the seat that was meant for Autumn.
I don’t take it next door to her. I don’t throw it out either.
I put Finn’s jumper cables in my trunk and leave his gift for
Autumn hidden under my driver’s seat, the way it had been hidden in his car. I can’t get rid of it. It tethers him to this world, but it’s also a symbol of how chasing her had killed him in the end.
Autumn will be fine without it. Angelina said so.
ten
It isn’t until I get Alexis’s text saying we need to talk that it occurs to me we haven’t broken up yet. Somehow, the fact that we never officially got back together doesn’t change the fact that we need to officially un-together ourselves. So I agree to meet her at the coffee shop in Ferguson.
I didn’t put much thought into it, but apparently Alexis did.
As soon as I see her waiting for me at a table in the center of the room, I can tell something is off. For one thing, Alexis is always late. Something about the way her collar is buttoned up and her legs are crossed under the table gives off Sylvie vibes, and not in a good way.
“Hey,” I say as I slump in the seat across from her. I used to think that I was in love with her.
“Glad you could make it,” Alexis says, and it feels like she’s cosplaying as Sylvie, or rather the worst sides of Sylvie. The Sylvie that looked down on you for being okay with getting a C on a quiz.
“Yeah.” Even though I know it’s hopeless, I try to steer the conversation to more casual tones. “Thanks for inviting me. Good to clear the air before school, you know?”
“No, Jack, I don’t know,” Alexis says.
“Oh.” We stare at each other, and then I glance at her coffee cup. Hoping for a reprieve from whatever interrogation this is, I ask, “Can I get you a refill while I get my mug?”
“Sure,” Alexis says. What she doesn’t say is, “That’s the least you can do,” but she somehow manages to convey it.
I pay for my own bottomless mug and fill it up. I can’t help, as I head over to the self-serve carafes, but think about all the times we’d come here with Finn and Sylvie to study. Not much studying was ever done, and that always bothered Sylvie but not the rest of us.
On a whim, I fill her cup up with an extra-dark roast like Sylvie drinks. I add sugar and cream before bringing it to her, but Alexis still grimaces at the first sip. She doesn’t complain though. She pushes the mug to the side of the table and looks back at me.
“Well,” she says.
“Yeah?”
“You have been a really shitty boyfriend this summer,” Alexis says to me.
“How is that possible? When I’m not your boyfriend?”
“We’ve been sleeping together all summer.” She says it slowly and sadly, like she regrets expecting better from me.
“You’re the one who said, ‘This isn’t a thing. We’re just convenient to each other,’ remember?”
She waves my words—or rather her words—away with one hand.
“Whether we were technically together or not, it doesn’t matter,” Alexis says. “You haven’t been treating me right, so I’m here to say, once and for all, that I’m through with you. We’re over.”
From the pout on her face, she’s already decided on her reply, and it doesn’t matter what I say next. So I answer, “Yeah, I know. Because we broke up last March, and we haven’t spoken in three weeks.”
“And why is that, Jack?” Alexis asks. “Why haven’t we spoken?”
“Are you serious?” I had been blowing on my coffee to cool it, but I freeze with the mug held under my mouth as I gape at her.
“Yes, I’m serious.” She raises her chin.
“Because Finn died, Lexy.” I’m so confused. I set my mug down with a clink. Some hot coffee spills onto my fingers, but I don’t react.
“Exactly.” She throws up her hands like I’ve proven her point.
“I don’t understand. I’ve been grieving, Lexy.”
“And you left me to grieve alone!”
I’m not sure if the coffee shop falls silent at her outburst or if I’ve momentarily gone deaf. Either way, there’s a ringing in my ears that prevents me from hearing myself when I say, “How dare you.”
Alexis must have a ringing in her ears too, because she cups her hand around her ear as she says, “Huh? Speak up.”
“How dare you say that to me,” I say as this strangely serene feeling fills me. It’s suddenly all so clear.