Filed to story: Breathe Story (Sadie White & Jax Stone)
A nervous knot grew in my stomach at the thought of a real baby being brought home. The baby hadn’t seemed real as long as it remained unnamed, but naming it somehow made it real, and made me very nervous.
“I was thinking I liked the name Sasha if it is a girl. You know stick with the S names. Sadie, Sasha.”
I said nothing.
“Or if it is a boy, how about Sam?”
I tried to ignore her. I really did not want to give this baby a name. It made my insides do funny things. The thought of baby food, formula, diapers, and, well, a baby, scared me. I could see Jessica coming home and saying she couldn’t take it and handing the baby to me. I had no idea what to do with a baby. I really needed her to be the mom. I needed her to be a grown up with this baby. Because I wasn’t ready.
“Okay…so, you don’t like that name?” she called out again.
“No, I like it. I just don’t really have a preference.”
She remained quiet for a moment, and I wondered if she picked up on my fear. And then she said, “Well, I think it is going to be a girl, so I am going to name her Sasha Jewel White.”
I swallowed the lump that appeared in my throat and forced out a reply. “Sure, Mom. Sounds good.”
Jessica ate in front of the window unit in her underwear, and I ate alone at the table. After we finished, I washed up the dishes and went to get a shower. I would be getting in bed earlier than usual, and sleep suddenly seemed very appealing.
“Sadie!”
I sat straight up in bed at the sound of my mother yelling my name. I slung my feet onto the hard wood floor and before I could even get to the door she began yelling again.
“Sadie!”
I ran across the hall and into her room. She was sitting up on the edge of the bed, holding her stomach, with sweat on her face.
“Something’s wrong,” she panted. “It hurts like hell!”
I grabbed her housecoat and slipped her arms in.
“Come on, we’re going to the hospital.”
She grunted and stood.
We made it half way down the hall before she let out another bloodcurdling scream and bent over holding her stomach.
“Help me, Sadie, this hurts so bad!” she said through tears.
It was hard to mask my panic. Seeing my mother screaming in pain terrified me. I got her into the car and remembered her purse and ran back inside to grab it. On my way in the door, she screamed again, and I hoped someone would hear her and offer to come help. Right now, I didn’t feel competent enough, and I really wanted help. I ran back out to the car, slung open the door, and jumped inside. I turned onto the road and headed for the local hospital. Luckily, we were only a few miles away. I glanced over at Jessica as she rested her head back on the seat.
“You okay?” I asked, praying for a yes.
“For now,” she said quietly.
I didn’t ask her anything else. I didn’t want to cause her any pain. We made it to the emergency room fast, since the roads were empty at four in the morning. I pulled up to the entrance and ran around to open her door. She hadn’t experienced any more pain since we left the house, and I was grateful. Focusing on the road was hard enough with your heart beating out of your chest and your palms sweating. “Wait here. I’m going to go get help. Don’t walk.”
She gave me a tight nod, and I ran inside.
The smell of sanitized hospital hit my nose and, for once, the smell comforted me. A lady stood at the door behind a desk watching me.