Filed to story: Can’t Get Enough Of You
When I pulled into the driveway at my mom’s place, tires squealing, she opened the front door.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, running up the steps to the front door. “I had a table that just wouldn’t leave.”
“It’s okay, honey,” my mom said, hugging me at the door. “You can relax. He’s asleep, it’s not any extra work for him to sleep here an hour or two later.”
I shook my head. “But it’s still not right. God, I feel like I’m dropping the ball on everything.”
My mom followed me into her house.
“You’re too hard on yourself,” she said. “You’re doing great.”
I nodded, hearing her words, but I didn’t believe them.
I walked into the second bedroom, which used to be my old room, and my heart constricted when I saw Liam asleep in bed, curled up in a little ball, sucking his thumb.
He had a head of dark, wild hair just like his father, and sometimes-especially when he was asleep-I was struck by how much he looked like Nolan.
I shook off the thought and walked to the bed.
“Come on, sweetheart,” I said, hoisting him into my arms. He mumbled something in his sleep and flopped over my shoulder.
My mom followed with his bag of toys.
I loaded him into the car-seat and covered him with a blanket. He slept right through it. My mom put his bag into the car next to him, and I quietly shut the door.
“Thank you for everything,” I said when I turned to her, the way I did every time she took care of him when I needed to take a shift at the restaurant.
“I’m always here when you need me, honey,” my mom said.
I hugged her, and felt tears prick my eyes, but I swallowed them down. I wasn’t going to cry. I was just tired.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” I said.
I climbed in behind the wheel and drove the short distance to my apartment.
After getting Liam inside and tucked into bed, I walked to my bedroom, where I opened my laptop. I climbed into bed with it, propped myself up against a bunch of pillows, and started working.
I had three graphic design projects for different clients I was trying to juggle to cover the cost of everything my waitress job wouldn’t cover. Freelancing was a bitch-I already worked long hours and the time constraints were crazy sometimes. But I had to do it.
There just wasn’t any other way.
Liam was the light of my life. He was turning five in a few months. I wanted to get him something nice for his birthday but I wasn’t sure I would have enough cash for it.
That made me want to cry all over again.
When I’d learned I was pregnant, I’d recovered after the shock and told myself that no matter what, I was going to make this work.
I’d had the baby, and with the help of my mom, June, and Bernie, I’d managed to get my life on a track that worked with having a baby.
Well, sort of worked.
I quit school, dropping out with a year to go. There was no way I could handle classes while being a single mom and working full-time. My new responsibilities left me no time for making art, so eventually I’d packed away my oil paints and brushes. I took a quick graphic design course, and started doing odd jobs wherever I could-online and in restaurants-to cover the bills.
It had been hard. It still was.
But whenever I looked at Liam, I knew it was worth it. He was everything that meant anything to me, and I wasn’t going to give up fighting for him. He deserved a good life, and I worked my fingers to the bone to give it to him.
As I worked on the project, touching up colors, arranging texts, I started thinking about the long run. Right now, this was okay. I was working two jobs, I was getting by, and with a little help, I could even get more than four hours’ sleep a night sometimes.
But I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do this forever. The older Liam got, the more things I wanted to be able to give him, and do for him.
Money was very tight as it was, and I knew this lifestyle wasn’t sustainable. I wasn’t going to be able to keep doing this and make it through. I didn’t sleep enough, and I often forgot to eat. Worst of all, I didn’t get to spend enough time with my son.
I was going to have to do something different. I was going to need to find something else, something with solid hours so that I could arrange for a regular sitter instead of relying on my mom and my friends. A job that paid better than the measly income I made each week on waitressing shifts and the bit of cash my freelancing brought me.
I needed something solid.
I finally finished my graphic design jobs for the night. My head hurt, and my eyes felt gritty, but I had one last thing I wanted to do before I went to bed.
I needed to send in applications for a new job.
I started searching the web, reading classifieds, saving those that might work. When I’d collected a few of them, I started sending my resume. I emailed them one by one, and as I did, I sent a silent cry for help, hoping beyond hope that something would come of it. I had no qualifications, aside from the course I’d done, and my experience in anything other than graphic design and waitressing was minimal.
But something had to give, right? My life couldn’t be like this forever.
Finally, when there was no more I could do tonight, I clicked off the light and wriggled beneath the sheets. I closed my eyes and tried to relax my aching muscles, tried to switch off my weary mind.
Slowly, as I started drifting off to sleep, I started thinking about things other than the money I needed to make to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
Nolan flashed in my mind. Dark hair, and those piercing eyes. His charming, easy smile.
What would my life have been like if I’d been able to find him after that night? What would have happened if he’d known about Liam? Would we be together? Maybe… maybe not. But at least he would have helped me out financially, if nothing else.
God, what I would have given to have someone who could ease the burden just a little. Sometimes, I had nothing left to give, and I wished that things had been different.
And what if things had worked out between us? What if we’d fallen in love?