Filed to story: Love on the Sidelines (Natalie & Karl)
“I don’t know. No one has seen him. He’s even stopped work on the house.” We fell quiet for a few minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Jenna was the one who broke the silence.
“Do you hate me? I know what you’re thinking, but I swear, Natalie, I wasn’t using you.”
“I know.”
She finally looked at me, surprised. “You do?”
I raised my head and nodded. “After I had time to think about it, I realized I was more shocked and upset because I hadn’t figured it out sooner, than because of what you did.” Shifting slightly, I faced her. “You love him.”
“Since we were kids.” Her chin lifted. “And he loves me.” Her defiance collapsed like a leaky balloon. “God, it was so hard, loving him and loving you, too. I hated myself, and I hated Hugh for not having the guts to stand up to his family. Helena made it real clear that I wasn’t ‘suitable’ wife material for a Morgan, and Hugh always did what she told him.”
“I wish you’d told me. I never would have married him.”
“I know. I wish I had, too. But I knew you loved Karl, so it never occurred to me that things would get so out of hand. I couldn’t believe it when I found out you’d gotten married.” She glanced at me. “Hugh was the first guy I slept with, and the whole time he was dating you, he’d come to me after he dropped you off.” I couldn’t help it, I laughed. “Lord, what a mess we were. The whole time I was sneaking around sleeping with Karl, feeling guilty as hell about using Hugh, he was doing the same thing with you.” I put my hand on her arm. “I’m so sorry, Jenna. You’re probably the only innocent in this fiasco.”
“No, don’t.” She shook her head, red curls bouncing. “I’m not innocent. No one twisted my arm and made me keep seeing Hugh. And for a while after you married him, I didn’t. I told him it was over. But then Katie died. He was hurting too, Natalie, and you’d simply shut down. When he came to me for comfort, I loved him too much to refuse him.”
“Poor Hugh,” I murmured. “He was as miserable as I was. So all those times I thought there were other women, it was always you.” This time her laugh was bitter. “Oh, there were others. The irony is that he wasn’t doing it to hurt you; he was doing it to hurt me. Every time my conscience started bothering me and I’d tell him not to come back, he’d find someone else to torment me with. And it always worked. After a few weeks he’d show up at my door and tell me how sorry he was, how much he loved me, and I’d take him back. It was like being addicted to a drug. I knew I shouldn’t, but I just couldn’t help myself.”
“Well, he’s free now. If you want him, he’s all yours.” Her grin was wry. “Thanks, but I’m not sure I do want him. I’ve been doing some thinking of my own lately, and I’ve decided that I deserve someone better, someone who loves me enough to tell the whole world about it, and who’s willing to fight for me if that’s what it takes. Maybe I’m the one who’s too good for Hugh. Unless he does a lot of changing and growing up, I’m writing him off as a lost cause.” We shared a look of understanding before she asked, “What about you and Karl?” My gaze went back to the river. “It’s over. There is no Karl and me anymore.” The ache that surrounded my heart as I finally put my thoughts into words was nearly unbearable. And I had no one to blame but myself.
“I don’t believe that. He’s crazy about you.”
“Maybe he was, but he’s not now. Not after what I did to him. No one could forgive that. Not in a million years.”
“You told him about Katie?”
I blinked, trying to expel the moisture that gathered in my eyes. “I didn’t just tell him, Jenna. I tore him to shreds with it, very cruelly and deliberately. I wanted to hurt him, and I succeeded beyond anything I could have imagined. He’s never going to speak to me again.”
“You can’t know that.”
“And you didn’t see him. He was destroyed, and it’s my fault. You said he’d stopped working on the house. Since he was building it for me, that should tell you something.”
“I see.” She took a deep breath and gave me a wry smile. “Do you think they have a twelve-step program for men we could both join?”
“Somehow, I don’t think it would work for either of us,” I said miserably.
“You’re probably right. But, you can’t hide here forever. Sooner or later you’ll have to go home.”
“I can’t,” I whispered. “I can’t go back to the barn, and I refuse to move in with my family like I’m ten years old.”
She thought for a second, her head tilted to one side. “You don’t have to. I’ve got a house you can move into. It’s small, only two bedrooms, but it’s completely furnished and only a couple of blocks from Southern Supply. The owners wanted to sell it, but with the market sluggish like it is, they’re willing to rent it out. All we’d have to do is move your clothes and you could be settled in by nightfall.” Maybe it was time for some changes. My life sure hadn’t been anything to shout about so far. Abruptly, I made up my mind and stood. “Let me grab my things and leave a note for Uncle Vern.”
I suppose part of me hoped that when Karl discovered I was back, he’d call. It was a small, futile hope, but there nonetheless. I sure couldn’t call him. Not when deep down I figured he’d give a warmer welcome to Beelzebub rising from the flames of hell than he would to me.
Of course, moving into the little house took a bit more effort than Jenna had implied, and first I had to deal with my family.
Everyone was at the farm when we arrived, and listened quietly while I apologized for scaring them, and gave them the news that I was moving. Once again, they tiptoed around me like they had after Katie died.
Afterward, Jenna helped me pack my things into the boxes we’d picked up on our way through town. Not only did I have my clothes, I had all my personal items and dishes to pack. As each box was filled, one of us would carry it out to the Chevy.
Strangely enough, I discovered I didn’t like the car anymore. Like the room in the barn, I had clung to it all these years because it was familiar, because it was a part of Karl I couldn’t let go of, even though I hadn’t realized that’s what I was doing. But for now the Chevy was all I had, so I’d drive it until I could buy a new car.
When the last box was packed, Jenna brushed the hair away from her face, gave me a meaningful glance, and then headed for the door. “I’ll go unlock the house and turn on the air conditioner. See you in a few minutes.” She was giving me time to say goodbye to my old life, and I took it.
Alone, I stood in the middle of the empty room, my gaze moving over the rickety bed, the lumpy old easy chair, and the small window. There was a feeling of abandonment about the room now, an air of infinite sadness. It was almost as though the room knew its usefulness had come to an end, that no one would ever rest within its sturdy walls again.
With tears in my eyes, I went out and closed the door softly behind me. I was halfway through the front part of the barn when my foot hit something, sent it skittering across the floor ahead of me with a tinkle of metal.
A sob caught in my throat, I leaned down and picked up the remnants of the pendant. Clutching it in my fist, I leaned weakly against a stall, tears streaming down my cheeks. “What have I done?” I whispered, my heart breaking into a million pieces.
“Oh, God, what have I done?”
The next week was odd, unreal. I spent Sunday unpacking and arranging my things in the cozy little house I’d leased. It had been remodeled recently and had every convenience I could possibly want, including a flowerbed off the back porch overflowing with roses in every color imaginable. And yet, for me, who had never had close neighbors before, it was strange being able to hear children playing so near.
Traffic was a constant background murmur that kept me awake most of those first nights.
Monday morning, I had the utilities switched over into my name, and my phone moved. When I got to work, I discovered Aunt Jane there before me. Neither of us said a word, she just continued as though she’d been working at Southern Supply forever.