Filed to story: Love on the Sidelines (Natalie & Karl)
“Natalie, please-“
“You bastard,” I whispered as fury shattered my icy demeanor. I threw the pendant at him, unable to stand its touch another second. It hit his arm and bounced to one side.
“Did you know I went to your father’s funeral? I went because I wanted to tell him that you were better than he was, that you could never be like him.” A laugh tore its way from deep inside me, a laugh born of anguish and anger. “You really had me fooled.”
“Natalie.” It was a choked, desperate plea, but I wouldn’t listen.
“Let me tell you exactly what happened after you decided your slimy nobility was more important to you than I was. Two weeks after you left, I discovered I was pregnant, Karl. Pregnant with your baby. And God, I was so scared, but I was happy too. Happy because I had a part of you no one could take away from me. Scared because I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t want to hurt my family.” What little blood was left in his face drained away, leaving his eyes like two dark pits staring at me in shock. “Oh, God.”
“You can forget about calling on God,” I said furiously. “He never cared anymore than you did.”
Only anger kept me going, kept me talking. A red haze of violence covered my eyes until it affected every thing I saw. Needing an outlet for the raw agony coursing through me, I paced up and down in front of him.
“Hugh found out I was pregnant, and asked me to marry him anyway. I didn’t know what else to do so I said yes. I didn’t love him, but I was willing to live with him to give your child a name. And he was willing to take on the responsibility you didn’t want. He claimed the baby as his own, and in his way, he loved her as much as I did.” I whirled to face him. “That’s right, Karl. We had a daughter. A beautiful little girl who was your mirror image. She was my life, the only thing I cared about after you left.”
In a surge of outrage, I put my hand on his chest and shoved. “So tell me,” I snarled. “Where were you when she died? Were you visiting Lindsey in the hospital?
Were you busy changing Daniel’s diapers, laughing with him? Loving him while Katie died alone without ever knowing her father? What were you doing when I needed you so desperately, when I went through the hell of her dying without you?” It was the first time in my life I’ve ever seen a person crumble so completely, and I hope to God I never have to see it again. Right before my eyes Karl aged twenty years.
His expression was one of such overwhelming horror and grief that it still haunts me, and his entire body seemed to fold in on itself.
Shoulders slumped, he lifted his hands and covered his face, his frame shaking in hard jerks. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, voice ragged with pain. “Oh, God, I’m so sorry.” So I did what I’d set out to do that night. I destroyed Karl without a qualm or a single feeling of remorse. I crushed him like a bug under the heel of my torment. And when it was done, all I had left was emptiness.
Wearily, I gestured toward the door. “Just go. Get out of my sight.” Without another word, he turned and left, stumbling like an old man as he vanished into the night.
I don’t know how long I stood there, staring blankly at the walls, drained of all emotion and tired down to my soul. The cats finally brought me back to myself, winding their way around my ankles, crying for attention.
Only then did I turn back to my room. I walked inside, took an overnight case from the closet and began to cram clothes in haphazardly. I didn’t know where I was going; I only knew I couldn’t stay here. Not in the room that held so many memories, the room where Karl and I had made love. Had it only been last night? It felt like centuries ago.
I ended up at my Uncle Vern’s cabin in Hardy. One look at my face must have been enough for him. He opened the door and let me in, and never once questioned my arrival. I swore him to secrecy and spent the next week sleeping or sitting on the banks of Spring River, staring into the icy water. Occasionally, he’d put food in front of me, but I rarely touched it.
Who knows? If Jenna hadn’t found me, I might still be there.
Mammoth Springs, the source of Spring River, was just across the Arkansas state line from Hardy, in Missouri. The water pouring from the underground springs was icy cold, and when mixed with the warmer air above, a nighttime fog was the usual results.
It hung over the river eerily, seething like a living creature, until the sun burned it off, giving Uncle Vern’s backyard a mystical, fairy tale appearance.
I woke early Saturday morning, before dawn, to the sound of my uncle rummaging in the hall closet for his fishing gear. Quietly, I listened to the front door close and the sound of his truck starting, then slid from the bed. Pulling on a pair of jeans and an old T-shirt, I padded barefoot to the kitchen.
The coffee was still hot, so I poured a cup, snagged one of Uncle Vern’s flannel shirts to ward off the early morning chill, and walked down to the river. Sitting on the bank, sipping coffee, I watched the sun come up over the mountains and let the peace soak into me.
The gurgle of the river was soothing, almost hypnotic. The first rays of light broke through the fog, turning dew-drenched spider webs into jeweled delicacies of extraordinary beauty. Across the river, a doe stepped hesitantly to the water, a half-grown fawn by her side.
She froze when she saw me, head high, long ears flicking in my direction. For a moment we stared at each other, but when I didn’t move she decided I wasn’t a threat.
Lowering her head to the water, she drank while a red fox squirrel scolded from a tree.
Water dripped from her muzzle when she lifted her head again, and she kept an eye on me as the fawn, at some silent signal, took his turn at the river. Then they both vanished into the woods like ghosts, leaving me to wonder if I’d dreamed them.
I continued to sit there long after my coffee was gone, long after the fog had thinned away into nothingness. Sunlight glinted off the silvery scales of trout, leaping from the rapids in pursuit of the insects that hovered above the water, capturing my attention.
And gradually, I became aware that I was feeling something.
Or maybe it was a lack of something I felt. Because for the first time since Katie died, the pain was gone. There was no anger left inside me. It was as if it had been burned away, leaving me clean and whole, like metal forged in a blast furnace.
I was pondering this amazing discovery when I heard the soft sounds of footsteps coming down the path from the cabin. They stopped behind me.
“Mind if I join you?”
Carefully, I put my cup on the ground beside me. “How did you find me?”
Jenna’s flame-red hair came into view as she sat down, her gaze fixed on the river.
“It hit me last night that this was the only place we hadn’t looked. I figured if I called, your uncle wouldn’t tell me the truth, so I drove up to see for myself.” I wrapped my arms around my knees. “I guess everyone is upset with me.”
“They’re scared. Cody told us what happened at the store. He blames himself for leaving you alone after that, but he said you seemed so calm that it didn’t occur to him you might do something drastic.”
When I didn’t say anything, she assumed a pose identical to mine. “The Judge came home from the hospital a week ago Friday, and your Aunt Jane has been handling things at Southern Supply. Kenny says she’s pretty good at it. You might want to consider keeping her on as an assistant when you get back.” She moved her head just enough to see me from the corner or her eyes. “Bowie brought your car back. He says it should run fine now.” I lowered my forehead to my knees. “And Karl?” I was sure feeling something now. Horror at what I’d done to him, to us, and the realization that I could never take those words back.