Filed to story: Love on the Sidelines (Natalie & Karl)
Her smile had an edge of nervousness to it. “It’s my way of saying I’m sorry.” She got out two plates and carried them to the table, cutting the cake before she continued.
“I stayed awake half the night last night, thinking about what you said at the hospital yesterday.”
I watched as she bustled around the kitchen, getting forks, making coffee. “Natalie, I never meant to hurt you, although I can see now that I did. You’re still my baby and I really thought I knew what was best for you. I thought you were just hurt by the way Hugh had been carrying on, that given time, you could work it out. Maybe I’m getting old. I don’t accept change so easily anymore, and Hugh has been part of your life since you were children. He’s the only boy you ever dated.”
“Sit down, Mama.” I caught her arm and tugged her gently into a chair. “It’s time we talked about this.”
She twisted her hands together on the table and exhaled, the breath lifting a lock of hair on her forehead. “That’s what your father kept telling me. I should have listened to him, should have known that you wouldn’t divorce Hugh without a good reason. I’m so sorry I didn’t trust your judgment.”
A short bark of laughter left my lips. “I haven’t exactly given you any reason to trust it. But I should have left Hugh a long time ago, Mama. He’s actually a pretty nice guy, and I’m sure he’ll make a wonderful husband for someone he loves. But we didn’t love each other. Not the way a husband and wife should. We never did. I don’t think he’d have married me if it weren’t for Helena pushing him into it.”
“And yet you stayed with him all this time. Why?” She looked confused and upset, and my heart ached over what I was about to do. Sometimes we forget that divorce doesn’t only affect the two people involved. It’s a rending of two entire families.
“I stayed with him because I didn’t care what he was doing, Mama. After Katie died I didn’t care about anything.”
“But you married him. You must have had some feelings for him.” Abruptly her face paled, her expression stricken. “It was my fault, wasn’t it? I pushed you into marrying him.”
Reaching across the table, I covered her hand with mine. “No, you didn’t push me into it. I had my own reasons for marrying Hugh.” I braced myself, then went on. “I married him because I was pregnant and scared. He offered me a way out, a way to give the baby and myself respectability.” I hesitated. “Katie wasn’t Hugh’s child, Mama.”
Her gaze locked on mine. “Karl,” she whispered.
“Yes.”
A second passed in silence, her shoulders slumped as she looked away to stare at the table in front of her. “I think I always knew; I just didn’t want to admit it. She looked so much like him. Does he know?”
I shook my head. “I’m not sure I’ll ever tell him. You have to understand. All this time I’ve blamed him for everything that happened, Mama. I blamed him for leaving me, for not caring enough to take me with him. And I blamed him for Katie’s death. I know now that it wasn’t his fault she died, but there’s still a lot of other things I’m not sure I can ever forgive him for.”
“How does he feel about you?”
“He says he loves me, that he always has. We’ve called a kind of truce for now, but it doesn’t change the fact that Lindsey has been with him all these years, or that they have a son together. After fifteen years of hating him, I can’t start trusting him again overnight. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust him again.”
“I did your father. It wasn’t easy, but sometimes you have to take a chance.”
“Daddy didn’t have the baggage Karl has. He didn’t lie to you.” She rubbed her forehead tiredly. “I wish I’d known all this a long time ago.”
“So do I. Maybe if I’d tried to talk to you, made you understand, I never would have married Hugh. But I took the easy way out, and I paid for it. It’s too late to change the past, but at least I can try to salvage the future.”
“You’re right, and I promise not to say another word about the divorce.” Her lips twitched. “Did Hugh really have an affair with Peggy?”
“Yes. Among others. He does have appalling taste, doesn’t he?” I grinned.
She laughed. “Helena hasn’t called me since you confronted Gretchen in the store. I think she’s dug herself a hole somewhere and crawled inside to hide from the embarrassment. She was so sure the problems between you and Hugh were all your fault.”
“In a way, they were. It takes two people to make a marriage work and I wasn’t interested in trying. If I had been, Hugh might not have felt the need to turn to other women. We might have learned to love each other.”
“No.” Her voice was quiet. “You and Karl were inseparable from the day you met.
You never could have loved Hugh the way did Karl, and it wouldn’t be fair for either you or Hugh to settle for second best. You’re doing the right thing.” She picked up the knife, lifted out a huge slab of cake, and deposited it on my plate. “Now, eat up.”
“Mama?”
She looked up at me.
“I love you.”
We almost knocked the table over in our rush to hug each other, and both of us were soaked from our tears. We continued to sniff and smile while we devoured half the cake, and I figured both of us were going to be sick before the night was over. But it didn’t matter if we were. We had regained something that was broken. Our trust and closeness. And I was going to make sure our relationship was never damaged again. I was finally starting to remember something I’d once known, but had forgotten. Lies and half-truths hurt not only the liar, but the people they love most.
Uneasily, I pushed thoughts of Karl aside. I suppose it was at that point when I understood he would have to be told the truth about Katie, something I wasn’t prepared to consider just yet. I also knew I couldn’t be honest with him until he granted me the same concession. Whether or not we had a future together was immaterial until we could untangle all the lies and pain from our past.
Tuesday evening I left Southern Supply and went straight to the hospital to visit the Judge. It was Aunt Darla’s turn to sit with him, and from the looks the Judge was giving her when I walked in, I figured he’d about gone his limit. Taking pity on his inability to escape, I sent her down to the cafeteria to get something to eat.
When she was gone, the Judge breathed a sigh of relief. “That woman is gonna drive me to drink.”
“She’s worried about you.” I couldn’t help the smile I gave him.
“The only thing she’s worried about is getting everybody else to do what she wants.
How the hell I raised a daughter that thinks her way is the only way, I’ll never understand. Come to think about it, she reminds me a lot of your Great-Grandma Hoskins.”