Filed to story: Swallow Me Whole (Sadie & Ashton) Book Free
I vow to follow through even though my throat burns from hurt. Even though my eyes are on the cusp of purging it. Empowerment rises inside me, and I wrap it around myself and use it as a blanketing shield.
Still, my heart throbs with regret, and it isn’t long before the guilt penetrates. I’m halfway to my apartment when it strikes because my mother might be innocent in this latest scheme, and I don’t want to alienate her. At the very least, I need to explain my side of things before she hears it from him. I pull over, shift the car into park, and grab my cell.
The events of the morning roar in my mind, keeping pace with the speeding cars on the highway. A full minute sneaks by before I find the courage to put the call through. She answers immediately, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing.
Was she on the other line with Dad?
“Hey, sweetie.”
“Hi, Mom.” I detect movement on her end. “You sound busy.”
“I’m in the middle of planning a fundraiser, but I could use a break.” She pauses, and I make out the shuffle of papers. “Is everything okay at work?”
She doesn’t know—about this morning or the fact that I quit my job last week.
“I’m surprised Dad didn’t tell you.”
“Tell me what?” More papers. More movement. “Wait! Did you work things out with Jake? Maybe we’ll have that Christmas wedding after all.”
She’s just as oblivious as ever, content in her sheltered world of organizing events that further Dad’s career, cleaning his house, and looking pretty on his arm when required. Instead of feeling angry, I’m just sad. This is all she knows—all she’s ever known.
Growing up in a strict family, my mother learned at a young age the definition of expectation. My grandparents practically arranged her marriage to my father, whose family not only came from a background in politics, but a long history of wealth.
She never discovered independence, never experienced standing on her own two feet. Never learned to follow her dreams or her heart.
I’m too much like her, and until recently, I’d been as blind to it as my mother. But she won’t be blind to what’s happened now. Not anymore.
“Jake and I are done. In fact, that’s part of the reason I called. I wanted you to hear it from me.”
“Hear what? You’re starting to worry me.”
“I quit my job.”
She falls silent for too long, and I calm myself by counting the cars rushing by on the freeway.
A red truck.
A black sedan.
A dark blue SUV.
All swooshing past, oblivious to the pathetic girl on the side of the road trying to hold it together as her life detonates.
“Mom, did you hear me?”
“I heard you, but I don’t understand. Why would you do that?”
“Because I’m done. I’m done with all of it. Dad isn’t running my life anymore.”
“Your father means well. He’s just a little overprotective, is all.”
“He tried giving Ashton a quarter of a million dollars to stay away from me. That isn’t okay.” There’s dead silence on her end again. God, she has to see how fucked up this is. “Say something,” I plead. “Tell me you didn’t know about it.”
“Honey, I didn’t know about it, but I can’t say I don’t want what’s best for you. I’m sure your father had your best interests at heart.”
“I don’t think Dad has a heart.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do. He tried driving away the love of my life.” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I know they’re true.
And they’re terrifying. Ashton is it for me, but too much hangs in the balance still.
Corinne and her pregnancy.
And the risk inherent in turning our friendship to more. It’s a nagging fear I can’t escape because if Ash and I give it a go then crash and burn in the end, losing him will be like losing a huge chunk of myself. The pain will be a hundred times sharper than what I’m experiencing now.
He and Mandy have always been there for me, more so than my own parents. They’re a staple in my life. The gravity that keeps me grounded. The electric shock that keeps me alive. I don’t know what I’d do without them.
Without him.
It’s a crippling thought, and that’s why being stuck in this neither friends-nor-lovers purgatory hell is preferable to trying and failing.
Ash is right. I am using Corinne to protect myself.
“I’ve gotta go, Mom.”
“Sadie, wait. I—“
I hang up, cutting her off mid-sentence, and pull back onto the highway, feeling bereft and parentless. Even worse, I’m heartbroken.
But Ashton isn’t breaking my heart. I’m doing that all by myself.
Ashton
The driveway is a wet blanket of autumn leaves. I trample over them in my muddy boots, tired down to my marrow. The sun set hours ago, and the crew had to clear out of the conservation area by way of flashlights. It took over an hour just to drive home.
The last thing I want is to deal with Corinne. Finding her on my front stoop shouldn’t surprise me, and yet the sight of her manages to catch me off guard. Dread pools in the bottom of my gut. I’m in a shit mood, exhausted, and filthy from working in the stormy weather all day, and all I want is a hot shower and a good night’s sleep.
I’m not equipped to handle Corinne right now, but it looks like I don’t have a choice. If only I’d answered her damn texts, maybe she would have left me the fuck alone for a night.
“What’s up?” I ask, keeping my tone neutral as I climb the three steps to my front door.
Arms crossed over her chest, she greets me with a partial scowl. “Where were you?”
I lift a brow at her accusing tone. “Work. Is that allowed?” Now there’s no reining in my sarcasm. She’s been tapping on my last button since the night I left Sadie’s apartment with the hard-on from hell and sharp disappointment slicing my heart to shreds.
“Were you with her?”
She doesn’t know about Sadie yet—she only knows there’s someone. But until Sadie is secure enough in our relationship, I don’t want Corinne to know. She might take it upon herself to sabotage us.