Filed to story: If He Had Been With Me Book PDF Free
“I dunno,” she whispers. “Maybe since forever too, but I didn’t admit it until two years ago.”
Maybe forever too?
I cannot resist anymore. I look directly up at her. Autumn has this soft, sublime smile on her face that breaks into a sigh as she collapses back on to my chest.
She loves me.
She really, truly loves me.
I’m holding her so tightly that I order my body to relax so as not to hurt her.
Autumn.
My Autumn.
If she wants to be.
“So…” I don’t know how to ask this. Autumn loves me, but I am trying to make sure there’re no more misunderstandings.
“What?”
“It’s you and me now, right?”
I feel her laughter against my chest before she speaks.
“Phineas Smith, are you asking me to be your girlfriend?”
Isn’t that all I’m ever doing?
I think wildly. My heart is beating fast. To me, this seemed like a formality, but perhaps my history of misunderstanding Autumn is catching up with me again.
“Well, yeah. Is that weird?”
“Only because it feels like we’re already so much more than that.”
I relax again. “Yeah, I know,” I say to her as I tell my brain to stay calm, that asking Autumn to elope to Vegas is absurd. “But it’ll have to do for now.”
For now.
I close my eyes.
“You still have to break up with Sylvie,” she whispers.
My eyes open again.
“I know. I’m going to. Tomorrow.”
“You mean today,” she says.
My stomach drops. Of course, it’s morning. I’m such a fool.
“Oh. Right.” I hug Autumn to me. “We should get some sleep, I guess.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Autumn says.
We cuddle up close, and soon, Autumn is snoring softly.
But I don’t sleep. There’s too much to think about.
eleven
One of the things that might be ironic—I really must remember to ask Autumn to explain irony to me—is that now I have something to tell Sylvie.
Sylvie will accept that I’m choosing Autumn over her if it’s for more than friendship. That’s what makes this so hard.
I try to be careful with my words. I try to only say what I mean and exactly what I mean. People think I’m hard to read, but I never understand that. I’m not secretive. More often than not, I simply don’t share information unless I’m asked.
The first time Sylvie asked me about Autumn, we didn’t actually talk about her.
It was the last day of freshman year.
Jamie had crossed in front of us as we left campus. He was carrying Autumn over his shoulder as she shrieked with joy and pretend panic, and their court of grungy offbeat friends trailed behind them singing an obnoxious song at the top of their voices.
“What’s with that?” Sylvie said.
Jamie’s little parade had passed us, and we’d started walking again. Sylvie and I were headed to the fast-food place near campus, and I had a sinking feeling that was their celebration plan too.
“Eh, that guy is always showing off,” I said. I watched as Jamie spun Autumn around and set her down.
“No,” Sylvie said. “What’s with you every time you see her with him?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Autumn Davis and Jamie Allen.” Sylvie tugged on my arm, and I looked at her. “Come on, Finn. You were just glaring at them.”
“I don’t like him.” I shrugged. “I told you before: Autumn’s an old friend from when we were kids. Sucks that she likes such a show-off.” I shrugged again. Up ahead, Autumn and her friends were waiting at the crosswalk for the light to change.
“I mean,” Sylvie said, “aren’t they all kinda, ‘Woo-hoo, I’m so quirky’? She wears a tiara every day and seems to like the way Jamie tosses her around in public.”
“Autumn was born strange,” I said. “She’s being herself. Jamie does things for attention, and you know how I feel about that.”
That was a low blow, aimed as much at Sylvie as it was at Jamie, and we were silent for a bit.
Some weeks before, egged on by some older guys and someone Victoria was dating, Sylvie had made out with Alexis on a Ferris wheel, and we’d had our first really big fight.
I’d told Sylvie I wouldn’t have cared if she made out with Alexis because that was what she wanted to do. It would have been hot if either of them were really into it. That Sylvie had done it to impress some dudes we’d never met before grossed me out. And I had told her so.
“I can’t be with you if you’re only looking for attention.”
The rest of the way to the burger place, Sylvie and I were silent. Autumn and her friends were already there when we arrived. Sylvie went to the bathroom. I ordered for us and sat down facing away from Autumn and her friends.
When Sylvie came back from the restroom, she looked like she’d been crying.
“Syl—“
She held up a hand to stop me.
“I need to tell you something later,” she said.