Filed to story: If He Had Been With Me Book PDF Free
It was another moment when one of us could have said something, could have given us time, but neither of us did. We looked at each other until I couldn’t bear it anymore.
“We should finish this and then go get something to eat,” I say. We’ve invented a new meal, one that takes place after midnight and before dawn, and we rarely ever miss it. It’s more time that we can spend together without saying what we should.
“Good idea,” Finny says, but it isn’t. Sylvie will be home soon.
Finny and I stand in the driveway as the car pulls away. I wave and Finny just watches them. My parent’s divorce was finalized today. Coincidently, The Mothers are going to a winery for the weekend. They gave us a hundred dollars for just two days, and Jack is coming over later. We’re going to have pizza and alcohol for dinner and probably stay up all night.
“This is going to be fun,” I say.
“Yeah,” Finny says, and it reminds me of the way he used to say “yeah” to Sylvie at the bus stop as she prattled on and on. I always suspected—no, I just wanted to believe—that he was bored with her.
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
“Yeah,” he says. I look up at him. He’s still staring at the driveway.
“I think I’m going to go over to my house and write,” I say. He looks down at me then.
“Oh, okay,” he says.
“Send me a text when Jack comes over,” I say. “Or whenever you want me to come over.”
“All right,” he says. I turn and walk away then, and I hear him walking away too. I look over my shoulder. He closes the door. I turn away quickly.
An hour later I get a text. I take off my headphones and pick my phone of my desk.
When do I get to read it?
Never, I type back.
How about tomorrow?
Maybe.
Another few hours later, I get another text. I’m lying on my bed staring at the ceiling.
Jack is coming over in half an hour.
Ok
Why don’t you come over now? I’m bored.
I smile and swing my legs over the side of the bed.
***
When Jack knocks on the front door, Finny and I are inside a tent we made of couch cushions, chairs, and quilts. We made it big enough so that all three of us would be able to stretch out inside of it, and we left one side open so that we can watch movies. Finny leads Jack into the living room. He’s carrying a handle of rum and two liters of Coke.
“Hi, Jack.” I stick my head out and wave.
“What is that?” he says.
“It’s our cave,” I say. Jack looks at Finny.
“Wow, dude,” he says.
“Come on,” Finny says. “I don’t trust you to bartend.” He tugs his arm and Jack follows him out into the kitchen.
“What are you talking about?’ he says. “I’m a great bartender.”
A few minutes later, Jack crouches at the cave’s opening. He hands me my drink and says, “Okay, let’s try this thing out then.”
“You’re going to love it,” I say. I scoot over and he slides in next to me. He sits cross-legged and ducks his head down to fit.
“Okay,” he says. He looks around the cave. The floor is lined with more quilts and pillows, so it’s like a giant bed inside. “This isn’t bad.”
“Finny and I used to make these all the time,” I say. “Every time one of us slept over. It was a tradition, and since I’ll probably crash here tonight, it seemed appropriate.”
I take a sip of my drink and make a face; it’s way too strong. Jack laughs and shakes his head.
“That’s weird,” he says.
“What? That I made a face?”
“That your parents let you sleep together.”
“Not like that!” I say. “I told you, it’s never been like that with us.”
“Hey,” Finny says. I look up. He’s bending down to peer inside. “Pizza will be here in an hour.”
“Cool,” Jack says. He scoots over and Finny climbs in. He stretches out next to me, three inches between us. I’m glad that he overheard me, in case he suspected something. As long as he doesn’t know, I’ll be able to keep him close to me.
Finny and Jack clink glasses and take long swigs.
“Me too,” I say. Finny holds his tumbler out and I tap mine against his and take another sip. I shudder afterward and lick my lips.
“That was weak,” Jack says. “We need to teach you how to drink.”
“This drink is too strong,” I say. Jack laughs. I look at Finny for support. He gives me his lopsided smile.
“Sorry,” he says. “I’m with him on this.”
My heart beats faster, and I take another drink.
***
The first time I wake up, I am still drunk and Finny is asleep next to me. He’s lying on his back with one arm flung over his eyes. I scoot closer to him, slowly. I lie on my stomach with my forehead pressed into his armpit, nearly on his shoulder. I curl in a ball. My fingers touch his ribs.
When I wake up the second time, the boys are not with me in the cave. I know Finny isn’t there before I even open my eyes. I feel cold and my head hurts.
“How could you have missed that game?” I hear Jack say somewhere in the room. I open my eyes. The light outside the tent is bright; it must be almost noon.
“Autumn and I were at the mall,” Finny says. His voice makes me want to close my eyes.
“You never miss it when the Strikers are on TV,” Jack says. Finny doesn’t reply. I imagine that he has shrugged.
There is a pause, and then Finny says, “I’m going to break up with Sylvie when she gets home tomorrow.” I stiffen, and my stomach rolls. I lay one hand on it. I didn’t know that she was coming home tomorrow. He never told me the date and I never asked.
“I figured,” Jack says. There is another pause. My saliva glands ache and my throat constricts. “Then what?” he asks. His voice is quieter.