Filed to story: If He Had Been With Me Book PDF Free
“Do you ever wonder,” I ask Finny as he gets back in after watching the policeman search his trunk, “if this car is more trouble than it’s worth?” Finny shrugs. Behind us, the police car pulls away. Finny turns off his flashers and looks over his shoulder as he pulls out onto the street again. “Your mom says the insurance is crazy.”
“Yeah,” he says, “but I like it.”
“It is a cute car,” I say.
“Don’t call my car ‘cute,'” he says.
I giggle. “Finny has a cute car. It’s so cute.”
“Shut up,” he says, “or I’ll stop driving you everywhere.”
“Will not.”
“Will too.”
“You’d miss me.”
“Not if you keep calling my car cute.”
I laugh again.
“I should teach you to drive,” Finny says.
I frown. “What? No,” I say.
“Oh, come on, you can’t go forever without learning to drive.”
“Watch me.”
“Take the wheel.”
“Nope.”
“Autumn, take the wheel.”
I don’t know if he’s realized that I can’t refuse him when he says my name like that, but it works. I lean closer to him and take over the steering, and the car immediately begins to swerve to the right.
“Whoa!” Finny says. I start to take my hands away but he places his over mine. He presses gently and turns us straight again. “There we go,” he says. My heart is hammering and I feel as if I am falling. “You have to make little adjustments as you go,” he says. “Otherwise you’ll end up going off to one side.”
“Oh,” I say. My voice is shaking. I swallow.
“You’re okay,” he says. “I’ll catch you if we start to go too far.”
He helps me turns us around a corner and then another. We circle several blocks and then he takes us back to Main Street.
“Do you want to go on the highway?”
“No,” I say.
“Too bad,” he says. His hands press down on mine as he forces me to turn us toward the on ramp.
“Oh my God,” I say. Finny takes my right hand off the wheel and places it on the gearshift. “Oh my God,” I say again.
“It’s okay,” he says. “I’ve got you.” He presses on my hand again and we change gears. My palms are sweating but his are hot and firm. The highway is nearly empty and the road stretches in front of us uninterrupted.
I’m surprised the next time Sylvie calls when I am with him. I had somehow forgotten her. I had somehow forgotten that the world was larger than just us.
We’re watching a movie on my couch. I pause it as he says “Hello,” and that’s how I know that it’s her—the way he says it. He also says “uh-huh” five times, and “that’s cool” twice. He says “nothing much” once and glances at me. I look back at him and keep looking after he has turned away from me again.
“Okay,” Finny says, “I’ll remember.” He hangs up. “You can push play,” he says to me.
“Was that Sylvie?”
“Yeah.”
“Huh.” I don’t know what I mean by that, but Finny answers me anyway.
“I can’t break up with her over the phone.”
“I didn’t say you should,” I say.
“Well, you just—never mind.”
“What?”
“Nothing,” Finny says.
“I was thinking that it was weird how you’re going to break up with her but she still calls—I mean, it makes sense ’cause she doesn’t know, but it’s weird.”
“I guess so,” he says. I look down at the remote control in my hands, but I don’t push play.
“You never told me,” I say.
“What?” His quiet voice matches mine.
“Why,” I say. He doesn’t say anything, and he doesn’t shrug. He doesn’t look over at me. He has not moved since he told me to push play. I wait.
“She’s not who I want to be with,” he says “She’s not—that’s all.”
“Okay,” I say, and I nod, as if he has said a lot more. He looks up at me now.
“Do you miss Jamie?” His question startles me; I can see Finny studying the reaction on my face.
“I don’t know,” I say, because I want to tell him the truth. “I don’t want to say yes because I don’t want him back, but I can’t say no either because I do care about him still. He’s still Jamie.”
“Do you love him?” I shake my head.
“I’m not in love with him.” We are quiet again, and I think what a relief it is, how strange it is, to say that I am not in love with Jamie.
“Why are you smiling?” Finny says to me.
“I don’t love Jamie,” I say, and I laugh because it sounds so funny to say.
“I’m glad that you’re happy,” Finny says.
“I am,” I say. “Actually, I’ve been really happy.”
Finny’s eyes soften, and we’re looking at each other.