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“Because a rainbow comes after a storm,” she said.
The sentiment was so sweet it brought tears to my eyes. I surreptitiously wiped them away just as Giovani was brought into the room by a nurse.
He sat in the chair next to mine, both of us facing Dr. Schmidt sitting behind her desk.
“Okay, so the last thing I want to discuss is what other options you are both open to besides natural conception. This is something that I like to discuss early on so that you can know exactly what your options are before you get to the point of having to make decisions. Two things that my office can help you with are in vitro fertilization and surrogacy. There is, of course, also adoption, but that is something you would need to explore elsewhere. Now, when it comes to IVF or surrogacy, there are pros and cons to both. Olivia, IVF would allow you to carry the baby and give birth, which is important to a lot of women. Of course, that isn’t always an option, in which case surrogacy can be a way to have a baby that is biologically yours but would be carried by someone else. I have pamphlets discussing both options more in depth, and I also have this pamphlet from an adoption agency that many of my clients have worked with. I will send you home with all three so that you can discuss between yourselves. Again, this isn’t me saying that you won’t be able to conceive naturally. These are just backup options.”
I took a deep breath and picked the pamphlets up from her desk. I hadn’t really considered what we would do if we found out that we couldn’t conceive on our own, but I appreciated the extra information. It would definitely give us a lot to think about.
Dr. Schmidt stood up to shake both of our hands one more time, and we stood to follow her back out to the lobby. Back in the car, I handed the pamphlets to Gio so he could look over them. He studied each one, his face scrunched up in concentration as the driver took us home.
By the time we got back home, both of us had read through each pamphlet at least two times, but we hadn’t discussed if any of the options interested us. I knew that Gio would probably support whatever I wanted, but what I most wanted was to be able to carry his baby, conceived in our bedroom.
Giovani hugged me and let me know that he had business to attend to, so I went to find Dahlia and talk with her about everything I’d learned. She was in the kitchen drinking tea and flipping through a magazine when I found her. I prepared myself a cup of tea and settled down at the table next to her, finding comfort in her presence.
“So, how’d it go?” she asked with excitement in her voice.
“I don’t know….” I trailed off, trying to collect my thoughts. “The doctor was great, but I’m honestly overwhelmed now. She was talking about IVF, and surrogacy, and adoption, and I just–I can’t help but think that I don’t want any of that. I just want to go the old-fashioned route.”
“But what if that’s not an option?” she asked gently.
I passed the pamphlets over to her so that she could read through them.
“I just don’t know, Dolly, I’m not really excited about any of this.”
“I think you just need to take some time to let it all sink in.” She reached out her hand and rubbed my back. “Honestly, Olive, I think surrogacy could be a great option.”
“Really? I don’t know, there are so many variables. I can think of a ton of shit that could go wrong.”
“Like what?”
I blew out my breath in a huff, not really wanting to list all the horrible things I could think of but also needing to get it off my chest. “What if the surrogate was only in it for the money? What if she didn’t keep herself healthy or got pregnant and then ran off with our baby?”
“Well, I think that last one sounds like the plot of a movie, so we probably don’t have to worry about that. As for the rest, there would be a contract and tons of legal shit she’d have to follow. Plus, you and Gio would interview her and could screen her and stuff. And you know Giovani has access to super detailed background checks. And our family has amazing lawyers.”
I nodded, knowing she was right about all of that. But there was one other concern that I had, one that I didn’t want to even voice because I knew it was stupid, but I couldn’t help myself from feeling it.
“What if–what if she decided she wanted Gio for herself? And what if Gio sees her growing his baby inside her and he falls for her?” I asked so quietly I wasn’t sure she could hear me.
“Oh, Olive,” she gasped and wrapped both arms tightly around me. “You know that would never happen! Giovani is crazy about you!”
I sniffed, feeling ridiculous for even worrying about that. “It’s just hard because I keep blaming myself and thinking that some other woman would have given him a baby by now.”
She laid her head on my shoulder, offering silent comfort in the way that only a best friend could do.
“I think you need to talk to Giovani about this. Then you’ll know that you don’t have to worry at all,” she said after a few moments.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I agreed.
I promised myself that I would bring up my fears with Gio for sure. Because Dahlia was right–surrogacy just might be the best way for us to start the family that we dreamed of having.
*Olivia*
A month passed, in all its jittering anxiety, and the day came to receive the results. A car full of Gio’s men drove behind us, as always, but Gio had seen my nerves and offered to drive the two of us so we could have some time alone on the way there and back. I ran my thumb over the buttery leather seat of the luxury silver sedan that had appeared out of nowhere and wondered absently where Gio got all these cars from.
“What are you thinking, carina?” he asked from behind the wheel. His hands were sure and steady, unlike mine, which quaked every time I looked at them.
“I’m worried it’s just me,” I whispered. It would be heartbreaking to find out we couldn’t conceive regardless, but if I was the reason? It would destroy me.
Gio pulled one of his hands from the wheel to fold over mine. “I will think no less of you if it is.”
I savored the warmth of his hand, but I couldn’t trust what he said. I would think less of myself. What if it was a sign that I was never supposed to have children?
I worried my lip as we pulled into the lot at the fertility specialist. When he’d first suggested testing just to be sure, I’d thought he was a genius. Now, facing the results, I thought I’d prefer not to know.
He parked and turned to me. “We can always turn back now. I’d like to know what our options are because I’d like a family with you no matter how we get it, but if you want to stop….”
I shook my head vehemently. “I want our family. I’m just scared.”
He took my hand and pressed a kiss to my knuckles. “We can handle whatever comes our way. No fertility test can be as scary as the full weight of a Russian mob family.”
I laughed, but the sound came out half-choked.
He kissed my knuckles again. “Let’s go, carina.”
I followed his lead. It was the only way I could get myself back into the building.
The cream and white lobby greeted us once more, and Greta, the receptionist smiled brightly. “Valentino, sì?”
Gio nodded. I clutched his hand.
“You can go into your private waiting room, and the doctor will come get you in a moment.”
Before we could reach our private waiting room, we saw the rainbow-coated doctor who’d explained our options to us last time step out of a door. She met Gio’s eye, and we followed her into our room, hand in hand.
The moment of truth–my heart thudded so intensely in my chest that I thought I might be sick.
Dr. Schmidt led us into her office, and we sat down. Gio squeezed my hand supportively.
She sighed and opened a folder on her desk. “So, all of your test results came back with clear results. There were no in-between answers and nothing that seemed uncertain. The good news is that we can be certain that what I’m about to tell you is true.”
My heart thudded in my ears.
“That’s the good news?” I heard a voice say. Distantly, I realized it was mine.
She smiled softly, apologetically. “It depends on how you want to look at things. It is certainly a piece of good news, in that you can now plan knowing what your future holds.”
Gio’s hand tightened around mine, and I didn’t quite know whether it was intended to be supportive or if he was holding onto me as the anchor in his own storm.
“Please,” he said, his voice rough with emotion, “just give it to us straight.”
She glanced down at the papers in front of her, then back up. “Both of your tests presented possible barriers to conception. In conjunction, I think it is very unlikely you will ever be able to get pregnant naturally.”
The thudding in my ears grew to a roar. Never able to conceive? Was it true that we couldn’t have a baby, no matter what we did, no matter how hard we tried?
